A Walk In Heaven (Volume 1) (The Grayson Brothers) Page 14

  “Oh, Careen. Only in my dreams have I experienced such a wonderful kiss, but—” He pulled back enough to gaze into her eyes. “I never meant for this to happen.”

  “What? The kiss?”

  A soft smile stretched across his lips before he leaned in and kissed her again, this time leaving little pecks everywhere, her nose, her mouth, her chin. Closing her eyes, she tilted her head and sighed, cherishing the tender moment.

  “None of this.” His voice deepened as he trailed his mouth down her neck. “I’ve thought about kissing you, but I truly didn’t want it to happen.”

  Confusion came back once again, and she withdrew. His intoxicating eyes held a touch of raw desperation. Could he be as confused as she? “I…I don’t understand. If you didn’t want to kiss me, then why did you suggest I sit on the couch to finish what we started in the barn?”

  He exhaled a ragged breath then leaned back against the wall. Once the heat from his embrace had been removed, chills ran amuck over her body and she folded her arms, wishing to return by the fire.

  “Careen, when I made the suggestion, I was referring to our talk about Matthew, not the kiss.”

  Blood rushed to her face as anger welled within her chest, leaving her no time to feel embarrassed. Joshua knew what he’d suggested a few moments ago, and talking wasn’t on the agenda.

  She growled and struck his arm. “How dare you lead me to believe otherwise? You purposely let me think you wanted a kiss.”

  He chuckled and shook his head. “I wanted to see how far you’d take it.”

  “Oh!” She struck him again, but on the chest. He grasped her wrist, so she lashed out with the other hand, but he imprisoned that one as well.

  “Careen, there is no reason to get violent.”

  “You humiliated me.”

  “I highly doubt it, sweetheart. Not with the kind of kiss I just experienced.”

  It didn’t matter if anger rushed through her, he continued to appear calm and unaffected as a lazy smile played on his mouth. His eyes still twinkled with mirth. Oh, the cad!

  “Why…why did you kiss me then? If you remember correctly, you were the one who leaned in first.”

  He shrugged one shoulder. “Your confession moved me, and I liked the fact you were thinking about my daughters when you assessed Laura’s faults.”

  Slowly, her anger disappeared, but she’d still be on guard around him from now on. “They deserve a better mother,” she whispered.

  “I agree.”

  Finally, she smiled and pulled her wrists out of his grip. “I’m glad you see things my way.”

  Joshua folded his arms across his wide chest. “Believe it or not, Careen, my daughters are first in my thoughts when searching for a wife.”

  “So, are you searching?”

  He shook his head. “I know I should be, but when I do, Frances and Jessica will have a say in the matter, I assure you.”

  “Good.” She gave him a weak smile.

  “Now, about that other piece of unfinished business…Matthew.”

  Fear clutched her chest, making it hard for her to swallow. She couldn’t talk about that. Joshua was the last person she wanted to tell about Luther.

  “You asked if I ever loved your brother.”

  “You answered you didn’t know.”

  She nodded. “That’s because I didn’t know how to answer you.” She scooted against the wall to make herself more comfortable. “I’d met Matthew through letters, as I’m certain you already know.”

  “Matthew told me he saw the ad in the newspaper for a mail-order-bride, and out of curiosity decided to answer.”

  She smiled. “I had several replies, but your brother’s neat handwriting, and sincere words seemed to touch me more than the others. We began writing back and forth, and after a few months, Matthew said he felt it was time for us to meet. He said he felt like marrying me was the right choice.”

  “But you didn’t love him during this time?”

  “No, Joshua. I didn’t know him very well – and he didn’t know me. I felt infatuated, but nothing like love. I met him for the first time the day before our marriage. He waited at the train station with a yellow rose in his hand. I’d told him yellow roses were my favorite.”

  Joshua smiled.

  “Anyway, when I finally saw your brother, I knew he was the man who would rescue me—” She quickly stopped, not wanting to say that word, but now that she had, knew she had to say something so Joshua wouldn’t question her. “He was my knight in shining armor, so-to-speak.” She grinned, thankful she thought so quickly. “As we stood by each other in church, I knew I would eventually fall in love with him. Matthew was such a kind, gentle man who genuinely cared about my welfare. So, to answer your initial question – no, I wasn’t in love with him, but I knew it would be easy to love a man like that.”

  “My brother was a very good person and would have made you very happy.”

  There was a catch in Joshua’s voice and she detected tears in his eyes, but he moved off the cot to stand by the fire before she could really study him. He threw in another log then with the poker, stirred the embers.

  “Tell me how he died,” he said quietly.

  Emotion grew heavy in her chest and although she didn’t want to relive that day, she knew she must tell Joshua if only enough to satisfy him. “Once we were pronounced husband and wife, we walked out of the church holding hands, ready to start our new life. My future looked so bright and happy, I didn’t think anything would ruin it.” She stared into the fire, remembering that morning, as if transported back to that very minute. “I remember hearing the song of a bird, and thinking how appropriate that sound was at that time. The sky was so blue, and the weather…perfect. At that precise moment, I felt that the Lord had indeed blessed our union.”

  Her mind took a different turn and she recalled everything as if it were happening slowly. “Then two drunks stumbled out of the saloon across the street, arguing,” she continued. “One thing led to another, and soon they were shooting at each other. More men in town tried to stop the gunfight, using their pistols as well to break the commotion. In Matthew’s attempt to protect me, a bullet found his head, making him crumble to the ground. He was still holding my hand and had pulled me down with him. Blood – his blood – splattered over my new wedding gown.” Her voice cracked and she stopped short. Lifting a shaky hand, she rubbed her forehead. “People screamed and rushed around us, but nobody stopped to assist right away. When reality finally sunk in what had happened, I cried for help. I screamed at Matthew to get up. Then I blamed God for allowing it to happen.”

  She hadn’t noticed Joshua had moved until the cot dipped and his strong arms wrapped around her. He pressed her face against his chest. Tears streamed down her cheeks and dampened his shirt, but he held her tight, rocking her back and forth.

  “I’m so sorry, Careen,” he whispered soothingly.

  “Oh, Joshua. Why did he have to die?” her voice broke as she held tighter.

  “Shh…” Joshua pressed his mouth to the top of her head. “Forgive me for making you relive this nightmare.”

  The catch in his voice made her lift her head. Tears swam in his eyes. His jaw tight from holding back the emotions she knew he had building inside him.

  Using the pads of his thumbs, he wiped the moisture off her cheeks. “Thank you for confiding in me.” He gave her a quivering smile. “But we can rest assured knowing Matthew died a happy man.”

  “He did? How do you know for certain?”

  “Because he married you. That made him happy.”

  Guilt ripped through her again and she buried her face back in his shirt and cried harder. If Matthew hadn’t married her, he’d be alive today. She didn’t dare tell Joshua that bit of information. It would kill him and he’d hate her forever.

  * * * *

  Joshua lay crooked on the uncomfortable cot but didn’t want to move. Careen had fallen asleep in his arms, and although his body screamed with s
tiffness, the coziness between them had been remarkable. Never before had he felt so peaceful while holding a woman. And he certainly had never shown so much emotion in front of one.

  Emma, his first wife, had been an unemotional woman. She never cried, never became angry, and never showed love. Not even to their daughters. It was as if Emma lived her life in a daze wrapped in her own cocoon. Joshua had no clue why the Lord wanted him to marry her except for the blessing of his beautiful girls. Emma had been the daughter of one of his father’s friends, and although Joshua wasn’t ready for marriage, he’d wed Emma to satisfy their families.

  He’d tried to love his wife, but it was a struggle because she never showed any love. Then he’d discovered she’d held secrets from him – things that would help him understand why she acted in such a way. One lie turned into two, then more, until he couldn’t believe a word that came from her mouth. A few days before Emma died, Laura had told him about his wife’s mentally insane uncle. Laura mentioned to him that Emma had wondered if she had this disease as well. Joshua wished she would have shared the bit of information with him because maybe he could have helped her – or found her help. When she died, he mourned more for the fact that his daughters wouldn’t remember their mother than him losing a wife.

  He still feared his daughters would someday become like their mother, but seeing their happy faces and knowing they loved life, it helped ease his worry.

  Careen groaned in her sleep and shifted ever so slightly in his arms but didn’t wake. He smiled and kissed the top of her head. A foreign feeling grew inside his chest, confusing him more. He still held doubts about Careen, but right now he wanted to trust her. He wanted to be happy once and for all.

  It wasn’t until realizing Careen could have frozen to death in the blizzard, when Joshua started thinking about his life for the first time. Life was meant to be lived to the fullest – and embraced with both arms. There were no guarantees in life. Matthew’s death taught Joshua that. His brother hadn’t known he’d die, and he followed his heart. Matthew had definitely lived his life to the fullest.

  It was hard not to think about the arguments that tore Joshua and his brother apart as young men. Matthew always seemed to recover from their disagreements, and went on with his life making it the best he could. Joshua needed to learn from his brother’s example – to live his life without any regrets.

  Never had Joshua wanted anything Matthew had. Until now. But Matthew wasn’t here any longer, and Joshua couldn’t deny the desires growing inside his heart since meeting Careen.

  Dare he think of her as a lifelong companion? A mother for his daughters – one like they’d never had before? And a woman to finally love that he could give his whole heart to? Fright of the unknown controlled his thoughts, and deep inside, he still suspected she held secrets from him like Emma had. Until that was all out in the open, how could he fully give her his heart?

  Regardless, he felt he must. Life was short, and he wanted to feel the happiness his brother had.

  The morning sun peeked through the curtains. He needed to see how much snow was on the ground and if there was a chance they could return home today.

  Carefully, he shifted Careen on the cot and slid away from her. He lifted a blanket over her body to keep her warm in his absence. As he studied her lovely face, his heart wrenched, remembering what she’d gone through on her wedding day. How could any woman go through what she had and still have faith in God? But Careen had, and his respect for her grew.

  He brushed his fingertips along her cheek and over her lips. Kissing her had been wonderful. Magical. Very sweet and unforgettable.

  Joshua stood and shook out the kinks in his legs, arms. He stretched his neck before moving to the window. The snow still fell, but not as heavily. A good four inches lay on the ground. Normal for about this time of year.

  He could probably take Careen home, yet for some reason he wanted to spend more time with her to get to know her better. Staying at the cabin was the only way he could accomplish this without the interruptions from his curious brothers and parents.

  Joshua shook his head. Then again, he was being selfish. His family was probably worried about him, and especially Careen. Joshua needed to get them back home as soon as possible.

  Scrubbing his hands over his face, he walked to the cupboard for more jerky. Although he was in the mood for pancakes, there wasn’t enough ingredients to make that or the proper stove to cook them on. He still couldn’t figure out why most of the food had been depleted. In fact, the way the stove had looked last night, he received the impression somebody had been staying here, frequently. He’d have to ask his brothers if they knew anything.

  As he chewed on his jerky and gazed out the window, Careen’s voice carried through the small room. Joshua glanced her way and listened closer. From her sobs and the high-pitch tone in her voice, he could tell she was having a bad dream.

  She tossed and turned on the cot, so he knelt on the floor and gathered her in his arms to calm her. Her eyes were closed, but she struggled against him, pressing her palms against his chest.

  “No. Get away from me.”

  “Shh… Sweetheart, it’s only a dream.”

  “No, don’t.” Her body jerked. “Luther…don’t…kill him!”

  Doubt snuck in his mind and he glanced down at her. Luther? Who was that?

  “Matthew!” she screamed then bolted up straight, her eyes wide with fright.

  “Careen,” Joshua hushed as she stroked her hair, encouraging her back into his arms. “It was just a nightmare. I’m here and I’ll protect you.” Her body trembled this time, but she willingly snuggled against him. “Are you all right?”

  “I…I had another dream about that day.”

  “Yes, I’d gathered that, sweetheart.” He kissed her forehead.

  “Oh, Joshua. Will I ever stop remembering Matthew’s horrible death?”

  “Probably not, but my family and I will be here to help you through it.” He withdrew enough to lift her chin until she met his eyes. “Honey, who is Luther?”

  Her face paled, making her eyes appear hollow. “Lu...Luther? I said that name?”

  “Yes. Who is he?”

  Panic filled her expression, making Joshua more curious…and concerned. His heart hammered with uncertainly, and he wondered if he wanted to know who this other man was or not. More importantly, how this Luther person was involved with Matthew and Careen?

  Chapter Ten

  Careen’s head pounded, and her stomach twisted. Why had she mumbled Luther’s name? Joshua could never know about her cousin. Her body shook with fear, the dream still very real to her. But it wasn’t a dream. Everything had happened, and Matthew was really dead.

  “Sweetheart?” Joshua’s voice wavered. “Who is Luther?”

  “Oh, Joshua.” She covered her face with her hands and turned away from him. “Please leave me alone. I can’t think. I don’t want to think about that day anymore.” She lay back on the cot, facing away from him.

  “Careen?” Joshua’s hand caressed her hair. “Please tell me. I want to know why this man upsets you so much.”

  “It’s nothing. Please don’t ask.”

  Silence lasted a few minutes before Joshua lifted the blanket back over her and walked to the potbelly stove.

  “I’m going outside for more firewood,” Joshua said before the door squeaked open and close.

  Tears threatened to fill her eyes again, but she willed them away. She could not let Joshua see how much her cousin’s name bothered her. Somehow, some way, she must put Joshua at ease. She didn’t need him suspicious, especially now.

  Although, if she gave him a hint to the kind of person her cousin was, perhaps Joshua would understand. Silently, she prayed that’s what would happen. Eventually, she’d have to tell his family the truth, so easing the information about her cousin may just be the very key to keep them from blaming her.

  As her body relaxed, she recalled the tender way Joshua had comforted her
last night, stroked her hair and caressed her back. He’d held her in his strong arms all night and shared in her grief. They’d become closer, and she didn’t want anything to ruin that.

  But she had ruined it by saying Luther’s name. How was she going to make Joshua forget about it now and trust her again?

  The door opened. She peeked over her shoulder to see him bring in an armful of wood, kicking the door closed with his boot. As he knelt in front of the stove and shoved in more pieces of wood, she slowly turned on her side to watch.

  Running her fingers through her hair, she tried untangling the knots. Now she wished she had kept her hair in the ponytail. On weary legs, she stood and slowly walked toward him. Joshua had his back to her. He had a piece of food in one hand while stirring the fire with the poker with his other hand. His stiff body told her of his mood. Of course he was upset! No doubt she confused him when she called out her cousin’s name.

  She crouched beside him and touched his shoulder. He jumped and spun around, holding the pieces of wood. Sawdust decorated his shirt.

  Smiling, she brushed off his shirt. “How does the storm look today?”

  “Better than last night.”

  His clipped answer let her know of his irritation. It hurt to see him this way. She wanted him back the way he was last night, understanding and cuddly.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong now?” he asked, imploring her with his eyes.

  Her heart twisted again, knowing she was the reason he was so confused. “Yes, I will. I just had a very bad night…week…month actually.” She shrugged. “It’s hard to forget about everything.”

  He brushed the sawdust off his hands, then captured her hands in his. “Careen, please talk to me. Please tell me everything.”

  Gazing deep into his brilliant blue – and very dreamy – eyes, she nodded. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

  “Who is Luther?”

  She took a deep breath and stepped away from him and to the window. “Luther is my cousin.”